Urban Suburban – Meet the Glessons (Gossfields)

The Gossfields break the lid of secrecy and keeps it real about their past relationship trials and challenges and how they worked through them to stay together on Pg 38. More »

Long Distance Dead End?

Q: When is it time to say so long to a long term-long distance relationship? Hey Girlfriend: When a long distance relationship shows no promise or commitment to bridge the physical divide, it’s More »

How Do We Sustain Gay Relationships?

DEAR Q&D How Do We Sustain Gay Relationships? Q: First and foremost, I believe that we, as Gay individuals, haven’t had the time to nurture our relationships the way straights have.  We haven’t More »

Are Gays Less Committed?

DEAR Q&D Are Gays Less Committed? Q: Due to the intolerance of homosexuality in our society, LGBT individuals have not been able to live openly and form relationships in the past.  LGBT couples More »

Is Conflict Inevitable?

DEAR Q&D Is conflict inevitable? Q: Opposition working together creates forward motion. It’s a law of nature, Yin and Yang in equal balance creates harmony.  It’s the imbalance of opposing forces that causes More »

 

Is Conflict Inevitable?

642-psychology-of-conflict

DEAR Q&D

Is conflict inevitable?

Q: Opposition working together creates forward motion. It’s a law of nature, Yin and Yang in equal balance creates harmony.  It’s the imbalance of opposing forces that causes relationships to fail.  The occasional bumps and bruises are a mere indicator that you have come to a turning point or a learning break-through in your relationship due to personal changes.  This happens to us all regardless of our orientation. We must reconcile that new self with our partner to keep our relationships tight or else we create discord and dysfunction.

D: Relationships, gay, straight, best-friends, mother-child, will never evolve if you always play nice.  It is human nature to assert individualism, and this sometimes means conflicting with someone else’s opinion or category system for you. They key is to never stop listening and always be malleable.  Let the people close to you evolve, and make them aware of your own evolution. Never try to box them in with your own ideals of who/what you want or imagined them to be, nor let them impose their ideals on you; this will always bring about disappointment.  This is not to say that you don’t have to bend and pull sometimes out of respect for the ones you love, i.e., calling home when you’re running late.  There is a certain amount of reciprocity required and expected when you’re in a relationship of any kind; however, never bend or pull when it compromises your ethical code or self-respect.  Also be realistic about your expectations.

Maya Angelou says (paraphrasing), “When someone shows you themselves the first time, believe them.”  Don’t try to change pumpkins into radishes.  And on the opposite side of that coin, don’t remain in relationships that are toxic to your self worth. Everything that you believe may not always be the same philosophy of the ones you love, but be intelligent enough to recognize when you’re being inflexible or when the relationship is no longer mutually beneficial.

Q: Most couples fight against their expectations in the face of constant change.  So we will always have conflict as long as we hold onto our inflexible belief systems and expectations, gay or straight.

 Functional vs Dysfunctional Relationships. 

Q: The difference between a functional and dysfunctional relationship is that the functional ones address the issue and forges a new understanding that is acceptable by both parties, thus restoring harmony.  The dysfunctional relationship ignores it, doesn’t address it, and never reaches an understanding about it which only allows problems to fester and resurface even stronger later down the line.  The functional relationship typically fights about fresh issues as a result of growth.  The dysfunctional relationship is stuck with repeated and escalating bouts of old issues.

The reality is that we all fall somewhere in between the two.  Personally, we have certainly been at the end of both spectrums over the last 11 years. We’ve been Ike and Tina and Romeo and Juliet. However, we eventually work our way back to the healthy middle. We have changed as people but we have been able to incorporate many of those changes into our commitment agreement.

D: Dysfunctional relationships are rigid, while functional relationships are malleable.  Dysfunctional relationships are in trouble if anything is written in ink, while functional relationships welcome the flick of the pencil.  ”Everything worth anything involves change.” – Deondray Gossett   ”Get the point?  Good, let’s dance.” – Janet Jackson

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RT @centerblacklgbt: May/June @SWERVmagazine includes an interview w/ @dlchronicles creators “Real Life Dynamic Duo” @thegossfields (@deondraygossett + @QLenear) via @thegossfields